it always starts out that way and ends that way too

It's the all too common I feel like blogging but I have no idea what to blog about feeling. But as usual, even with this kinda feeling, the entry is sure to be a long one. Hence, the title of entry.

I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days. That's cos I've been sleeping in my parents room to accompany my little sister since my parents have been away for the past 4 days. Leaving me to be responsible for the house and all. And their bedroom is so hot. I don't understand how they manage to sleep at night with the air-conditioner that seemingly does not work.

So yeah, I've been lacking sleep. Waking up early too cos I have to send the little sis to school and I'm not one to go back to bed after I've woken up. Tonight I'm back in my own room cos the rents are back. But tonight I don't feel like sleeping.

Am feeling emo.

It's really funny. I can't seem to be able to articulate my feelings as well as I think I used to be able to. I've gotten all too used to sugarcoating my life for this blog. Yeah, I SUGARCOAT. And if I do feel like blogging something personal. I have another blog to do that on. It's private and for me only. Such a pity too, I sometimes think. Cos there's raw emotions on that blog. And all that glittery dramarama.

Bah. This blog is really boring to me.

I have this soft toy doggie that is currently lying next to me on my bed that has been with me for years now. It was a gift. From someone who had wanted me to be his girlfriend for what felt like eons ago. Unfortunately, I had to turn him down. I had fallen for someone else back then. Of course I felt bad about doing what I did. But I kept this dog that he gave me. And I liked smelling it. For some reason the dog had this wonderful scent. I do wonder if it was cos he sprayed some perfume or cologne on it before he gave it to me. From time to time, I liked to hold it up to me and smell it. Now I'm rather sad. Cos it has finally lost that smell. After 4 years.

We're still good friends. I was thinking back to that time where I was in my friend's living room. There was just the two of us there. He was going through some rough times. And we were just there on the couch talking about everything and nothing. He was lying on the couch with his head in my lap. Not to worry. We're just good friends that way. And it was nice that he trusted me enough to talk to me about what he's going through.

And then I wonder why Mark doesn't do that to me. Come to me and talk. He says that he just doesn't want me to be unhappy for him.. and that I'm not there to help carry his burdens. He doesn't get that I want to carry his burdens. I want to be there for him to talk to. I want to listen to what he says.. I guess that's why I remember everything that we ever talked about. And I want to feel sad for him. And to carry him when he needs to be carried. Although I might not be so strong to do that.. I do hope that I do leviate whatever problems he has slightly, at the very least. Me being the hopeless romantic that I am.

Hmmm.. my iTunes have been dishing out very mellow, quite depressing songs. Damn. Apple is quite impressive, eh? They even manage to program iTunes to churn out songs to match the mood of the user. Haha. Either that, or I have too many of these kinda songs. Hmmm.

I don't know where my relationship with Mark is going to bring me. I feel like we're at an ends. But on some days, I feel like there's hope. Few weeks ago, I lost those "feelings". That was even before I left for KK.

*goes off to read private blog about how she felt during those dark times*

Sigh. I wrote about how I figured he would take the easy way out and try break up with me. Know what? That happened. I was so heartbroken to know that I was right. When he was trying to break up with me, I broke. I cried. I haven't done that in ages ever since I felt like I lost my feelings for him. And the fact that I cried showed that I cared.

Things got better after that.. I got my feelings for him back again. For a long time, I was worried because I didn't know whether it would come back or not. But it did. Especially after one night, we went out, and he heh.. *blush* .. he looked so handsome that I fell for him again.

The problem between us had not been that we don't love each other. We loved one another, of course. We were simply not in love. Sigh. So.. I'm in love with him again.. but I don't think he's been in love with me and hasn't been in a very long time.

I guess that's why he was never like any other boyfriends I know. The ones that would love to post up pictures of them with their girlfriends because they're so proud of them. Or they just want others to know how in love they are. Kinda ew, thinking about it.

Or how they like to take pictures of/with their girlfriends cos they're so beautiful in their eyes. Or how they walk hand in hand. Or how they miss them just as soon as they leave the room. And how they have icky mushy messages for each other in their MSN nicknames. I know it's all so high school.

But I just want to be his number one, for once.

I want him to fall for me. I want him to think I'm beautiful. I want him to feel like there's only the two of us in a crowded room when he looks at me. I want him to send me a song because he loves it so much he simply wanted to share so that I could love it too. I want him to want me to be with him to do stuff together.. whether it is to read a book.. or to watch a movie.. or just to wash the dishes.

I, the hopeless romantic, wants to be his number one.