it always starts out that way and ends that way too

It's the all too common I feel like blogging but I have no idea what to blog about feeling. But as usual, even with this kinda feeling, the entry is sure to be a long one. Hence, the title of entry.

I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days. That's cos I've been sleeping in my parents room to accompany my little sister since my parents have been away for the past 4 days. Leaving me to be responsible for the house and all. And their bedroom is so hot. I don't understand how they manage to sleep at night with the air-conditioner that seemingly does not work.

So yeah, I've been lacking sleep. Waking up early too cos I have to send the little sis to school and I'm not one to go back to bed after I've woken up. Tonight I'm back in my own room cos the rents are back. But tonight I don't feel like sleeping.

Am feeling emo.

It's really funny. I can't seem to be able to articulate my feelings as well as I think I used to be able to. I've gotten all too used to sugarcoating my life for this blog. Yeah, I SUGARCOAT. And if I do feel like blogging something personal. I have another blog to do that on. It's private and for me only. Such a pity too, I sometimes think. Cos there's raw emotions on that blog. And all that glittery dramarama.

Bah. This blog is really boring to me.

I have this soft toy doggie that is currently lying next to me on my bed that has been with me for years now. It was a gift. From someone who had wanted me to be his girlfriend for what felt like eons ago. Unfortunately, I had to turn him down. I had fallen for someone else back then. Of course I felt bad about doing what I did. But I kept this dog that he gave me. And I liked smelling it. For some reason the dog had this wonderful scent. I do wonder if it was cos he sprayed some perfume or cologne on it before he gave it to me. From time to time, I liked to hold it up to me and smell it. Now I'm rather sad. Cos it has finally lost that smell. After 4 years.

We're still good friends. I was thinking back to that time where I was in my friend's living room. There was just the two of us there. He was going through some rough times. And we were just there on the couch talking about everything and nothing. He was lying on the couch with his head in my lap. Not to worry. We're just good friends that way. And it was nice that he trusted me enough to talk to me about what he's going through.

And then I wonder why Mark doesn't do that to me. Come to me and talk. He says that he just doesn't want me to be unhappy for him.. and that I'm not there to help carry his burdens. He doesn't get that I want to carry his burdens. I want to be there for him to talk to. I want to listen to what he says.. I guess that's why I remember everything that we ever talked about. And I want to feel sad for him. And to carry him when he needs to be carried. Although I might not be so strong to do that.. I do hope that I do leviate whatever problems he has slightly, at the very least. Me being the hopeless romantic that I am.

Hmmm.. my iTunes have been dishing out very mellow, quite depressing songs. Damn. Apple is quite impressive, eh? They even manage to program iTunes to churn out songs to match the mood of the user. Haha. Either that, or I have too many of these kinda songs. Hmmm.

I don't know where my relationship with Mark is going to bring me. I feel like we're at an ends. But on some days, I feel like there's hope. Few weeks ago, I lost those "feelings". That was even before I left for KK.

*goes off to read private blog about how she felt during those dark times*

Sigh. I wrote about how I figured he would take the easy way out and try break up with me. Know what? That happened. I was so heartbroken to know that I was right. When he was trying to break up with me, I broke. I cried. I haven't done that in ages ever since I felt like I lost my feelings for him. And the fact that I cried showed that I cared.

Things got better after that.. I got my feelings for him back again. For a long time, I was worried because I didn't know whether it would come back or not. But it did. Especially after one night, we went out, and he heh.. *blush* .. he looked so handsome that I fell for him again.

The problem between us had not been that we don't love each other. We loved one another, of course. We were simply not in love. Sigh. So.. I'm in love with him again.. but I don't think he's been in love with me and hasn't been in a very long time.

I guess that's why he was never like any other boyfriends I know. The ones that would love to post up pictures of them with their girlfriends because they're so proud of them. Or they just want others to know how in love they are. Kinda ew, thinking about it.

Or how they like to take pictures of/with their girlfriends cos they're so beautiful in their eyes. Or how they walk hand in hand. Or how they miss them just as soon as they leave the room. And how they have icky mushy messages for each other in their MSN nicknames. I know it's all so high school.

But I just want to be his number one, for once.

I want him to fall for me. I want him to think I'm beautiful. I want him to feel like there's only the two of us in a crowded room when he looks at me. I want him to send me a song because he loves it so much he simply wanted to share so that I could love it too. I want him to want me to be with him to do stuff together.. whether it is to read a book.. or to watch a movie.. or just to wash the dishes.

I, the hopeless romantic, wants to be his number one.

the truth is

I just finished watching Just Like Heaven. Streaming online too!

Fantastic stuff. I barely have to wait for the videos to load to watch them. Which must mean that the loading time should be super fast for you other people out there. My router is a bit messed. *shrugs* So my internet speed is running slower than it should be.

Anyways, I felt really sad watching the movie. Cos it got me wondering.. what if I was in a coma.. how would people react to it? Would they feel sad? Would they still have hope that I will one day wake up? Or will they pull the plug on me? Yeah, rather morbid stuff.

Then I thought instead.. What if Mark got into a coma? And for a very long time. I thought about it.. and I figured I will be very sad, heartbroken, and scared. I know those are the obvious reactions to the situation where a loved one gets into a coma, but.. lately it's been hard to tell if I love him.

I know.. scary. And for awhile, I was scared. Just last weekend, I admitted to him that I haven't felt for him the way I should being his girlfriend. I don't know whether I should've said it out loud, and especially to him.. but who else can you be truly honest to, if it's not your loved ones.

But thinking about him being in a coma... and knowing that I would be so broken by it.. I'm sure that I love him. He is a bit hard to love though. He's not like the normal guy.. who would give up everything for his girlfriend. He's not the kinda guy that knows how to be romantic. He's not one to buy flowers for no reason except to see her smile. He's not one to shout it from the rooftops that he's crazy for her.

And as for me, I'm so... I would love for my boyfriend to be fun, adventurous, taking risks, and to not be ashamed of me and for what we have. Hopeless romantic. Yeah, I told you so.

It's been awhile that I've written anything like this. But I can make an exception. It's midnight.. so when else is it more appropriate for someone to get all emo?

Two weeks ago.. we almost broke up. Heh. Felt something there just having to admit that it happened. But yeah.. it did. We were both going through shits.. we weren't at our best. He decided that we should probably go on a "break". An all too familiar road..

I broke. I mean.. I really broke. I cried, I sobbed. I did not care who heard me. I was so scared. I hated what happened during my last two so-called "breaks" with previous ex-boyfriends. They were cowards who didn't know how else to break up with me. So they said we'll just have a "break" from one another. But after awhile, I would find out that they've been seeing someone else behind my back or that they've already moved on.

I didn't want that to happen again.. I couldn't believe it was happening again.. I took it badly. I took it like I had no shame. I took it not as a "break" but as a "breakup". Mark understood why I was overreacting.. but he stood by me the whole time.. I have no idea how long I cried.. and I have no words to describe how broken my heart felt that night.

We did not go on a break that night nor did we break up. He held me for hours that night. I know he's not like the others.

He may not be easy to love at times. But I do love him.