don't laugh please, smile and sigh instead

I was going through my old blog, Guilty Secrets, trying to figure out what it was that people liked about it. And I have no idea. All my posts were a mess. All I found out was that I had a lot more going on back then than I do now. Which just goes to show, how sad my life got. :P But I do know this, eventhough my I had more going on back then, I'm defnitely happier and more stable where I am now.

Last night Mark and I got into a fight that stemmed from a misunderstanding that happened 2 afternoons ago. Just so that you guys know that we're both human too. :P

All I know is that for the first time, I felt really hurt by him. I think it's the first time I yelled at him. I think it's the first time we both said hurtful things about each other.

It's the first time that he made me cry so very badly. I honestly felt like I lost him. That although we were still together, that he had broken up with me because I didn't feel like I could rely on him anymore. I felt like he's not the person I thought he was. That he doesn't care.. I still loved him though, at that moment. But in my mind, I tried to tell myself that it's alright if I behave like nothing mattered, like I don't have any feelings so that he can hurt me all he wants to.

That I don't need him to feel better. That I can feel better all by myself whenever I'm upset. That I didn't have to tell him anything anymore because he more than likely would not be able to understand or remember anyway. That even if I told him, he would ignore what I said so that he just wouldn't have to deal with it.

But we managed to eventually talk it out. It was very bittersweet..

He said that ever since I got mad at him and left him alone without a word, without any smses, without any emails, without any chats, without any calls.. that in that time he realised that he does love me and that he does care.

I was crying badly when he said that he thought of me and missed me.. and he said he remembered how we were together.. how I would hug him.. how he would give me piggybacks.. how I smiled.. then he told me he loves me.. then he said that he remembered how we would cuddle.. and all these little things.. and he told me that he loved me again.. then he said that while he was walking past a shop window.. he saw the masks that we both got.. and how the idea of leaving me angry till the weekend and then suprising me with presents crossed his mind.. but how he decided against it because I might break up with him and leave him sad and lonely with presents to give to no one.

I need to remember that moment.. it's rare to see or hear my boyfriend behaving that way..

Yeah.. I don't ever want to lose that memory. =)

I thought I didn't need to be coddled... talk about me dreaming. Pfft. :P